Lying in bed
Hand resting on my forehead
My eyes look towards the ceiling
Another night taken by the words that haunt
Sit up and face the clock
Blinded by the light it beacons
I make out a one, three and eight
“So much to do tomorrow, get to sleep.”
Knowing it’s hopeless
Push myself to my feet
Stagger to the living room
“Why are you even contemplating that?”
Taking every ounce of my being to stay quiet
But desperately want to make some noise
Just to drown out the thoughts flying through my head
“Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”
Assume my post on the couch
I’ve been stationed here for the past month
Unable to sleep, I watch as the traffic light goes from red
to green
“You are alone.”
The words begin to get to me
I feel the tears trying to breakthrough
One falls
“Now you’re crying?”
The ones that chip away at me
I have no idea where they came from
Yet they persist, taking pieces of my fortress with them
“Do you ever feel like you’ve become the worst version of
yourself?”
Was it in a song I listened to on the radio
Was it a show I watched this week
Was it in a conversation I heard in passing
“Just something else you can’t figure out in life.”
Exhausted from the fight I have put up, I head back to bed
One more weapon in my arsenal
Put headphones on, press play and drift to sleep
“These times are hard, but they will pass.”
(I had every intention of continuing last weeks post, however it is showing to be a little more challenging than I had anticipated. But there is progress being made so hopefully within the next two weeks I will have that up.)
Oh Christine, these times do pass and you are stronger because of them! Live by your words . . . and look for the silver lining it is there waiting for you!
ReplyDeleteI know this feeling very well! The number of nights I have spent going through conversations in my head that I was going to have the next week or had had the previous day! It's insane how these words can take over our lives and consume us!Sometimes I wish I was young again and I go stand up, give myself a good old shake and get over things :)
ReplyDeleteI think you've done the right thing by writing about it- seems to be therapy for me (at a tenth of the cost).
Christine, don't forget what a strong young woman you are. Words do haunt us...careless words sometimes, calculated ones at other times. They sting, they hurt, they make us cry. But words can also help. Just the writing of this poem (which is beautiful and haunting, by the way) is a way of healing. Write down the haunting words. Write down your response. Write what you wish had happened. Write what you will make happen. Take away the haunting power of those other words with strong words of your own.
ReplyDeleteUse your words. Whatever it is, I have faith you will come out stronger....
Yes, words cut like knives sometimes-and sometimes hurt us in ways never realized by the ones that verbally vomit! You are doing 2 of my favorite things to heal in the poem, listen to music and write!
ReplyDeleteIt's good that you're writing about the pain words have caused you. Stay strong (which you are) and you'll get through it!
ReplyDeleteYour life is just beginning, be strong and don't doubt yourself. Stay true to your beliefs and listen to the sweet music.
ReplyDeleteYou are strong in being able to share these words, these thoughts. I echo the others...the pain is real, so is your strength, and the power of healing, helpful words.
ReplyDeleteA thoughtful, deep, powerful poem written out of pain. Today when the sun wakes up, find a mirror and smile at the beauty that is you. No one else can define who you are. You are all the words in the dictionary that are strong and good and beautiful. Make your own definition.
ReplyDeleteChristine, I know in the dark of night the voices often say that it is hopeless, but those voices are not the ones to listen to. There is hope. There are people who need you. You have so much to offer. Find someone to reach out to and share your beautiful gifts. Do not despair. As you reach out to serve others, you will find yourself refreshed by the blessings that flow through you. Matthew 11:28-30
ReplyDelete